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Sunday, August 28, 2016

More Good Days Than Bad....But Not This Week: Countdown to Vegas Week 7

I know I'm supposed to be telling you how my marathon training went this week, but it's mostly a blur & I don't have much to say about it. Usually when someone asks how I'm doing, if they are a person I feel safe being honest with, I say "More good days than bad ones lately."  Well this week that wasn't true.

There were a few bright moments. Boot camp was good on Tuesday, and Theresa's Refit class on Wednesday was a lot of fun.  But mostly I've felt so sad and so tired, or just numb.  Even my runs were struggles. I don't want to do this anymore. But there's no way off this road.  No detours, no shortcuts. 

I know there's still good to come - little oasis moments of joy on this long lonely desert road - some races & other fun things I have planned that I'm looking forward to. But right now I'm just tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own life. Even sleeping doesn't help. I dreamed about Kevin last night, and he kissed me which was awesome because I really miss kissing him. But he refused to say he loved me, and so I woke up angry and crying. 

Although maybe he wouldn't still love me if he came back. He might be appalled at some of the bad habits I've acquired since he died. Like eating in bed. Actually I used to do that before I met him too, but I don't think he knew that. I do eat a lot healthier food in bed now than I did back then, but I'm still pretty sure he wouldn't like it.  And he'd never put up with me sleeping with the lights on.

Gloomy weather to match my mood
I was hoping Saturday's long run would give me a reset, but it was rough too. I slept in rather than get an early start.  When I finally headed out around 9:30, I heard thunder almost immediately, so I headed back home. I fell asleep reading, and when I woke around 11:30 the rain had stopped. I had 2 chapters to go so I decided to finish my book then go run.  Just as I put my book down, rain & thunder made another appearance. By then I was hungry again so I ate lunch, then finally around 2:30 the skies and radar were both clear. But the heat & humidity were back, and I battled nausea for most of my run, which was more of a long walk.  By the end I was feeling dizzy too. Not a fun run at all.  But I didn't stop and I finished my scheduled 12 miles.

Total miles for the week: 33.8

Total training miles to date:  161.55

One area I'm not struggling in right now is my faith. I feel God so present with me right now in my pain. It's hard to even explain. Parts of the Bible like Job and Lamentations that never really made sense to me before do now. God is still good, and He hasn't abandoned me.  I just don't want to be here anymore.  My soul is tired.  I don't think it's coincidence that I've heard this song on the radio three times this week, even though it's not a current hit.

Up Next

I try to keep a good balance between fun events scheduled and downtime to just be where I am.  I know if I get too busy I'll start feeling stressed instead of enjoying my activities, but if I don't have enough on the calendar that will leave me feeling lonely.  I have two races this week:

Run(317) Carmel on Thursday evening - a new location this year for my fave race series.  I like running in Carmel, but I don't like driving there.  So much construction, my car GPS is useless.  The race and post race party are always a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone.  As of Friday, there were only about 50 spots left, so this will sell out too.  If you aren't signed up yet, don't wait.

The GloRun on Saturday evening - an 80's themed glow-in-the-dark night run.  I'm doing this one with Josh, so I know we'll have a great time.


  1. I hate when you hurt at all, but especially when it's worse. I wish there was some way I could help carry some of your pain, ease the burden. Just always know I love you.

  2. Ditto Laura. I wish there was a way to make this easier for you or at least promise what's ahead. All I can say is THANK YOU for being open and honest about where you are and what you need. Whether you hear the words from my lips, please know I'm here for you.

    1. Thank you Trena - I very much appreciate your friendship & support