There were a few bright moments. Boot camp was good on Tuesday, and Theresa's Refit class on Wednesday was a lot of fun. But mostly I've felt so sad and so tired, or just numb. Even my runs were struggles. I don't want to do this anymore. But there's no way off this road. No detours, no shortcuts.
I know there's still good to come - little oasis moments of joy on this long lonely desert road - some races & other fun things I have planned that I'm looking forward to. But right now I'm just tired. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own life. Even sleeping doesn't help. I dreamed about Kevin last night, and he kissed me which was awesome because I really miss kissing him. But he refused to say he loved me, and so I woke up angry and crying.
Although maybe he wouldn't still love me if he came back. He might be appalled at some of the bad habits I've acquired since he died. Like eating in bed. Actually I used to do that before I met him too, but I don't think he knew that. I do eat a lot healthier food in bed now than I did back then, but I'm still pretty sure he wouldn't like it. And he'd never put up with me sleeping with the lights on.
|Gloomy weather to match my mood|
Total miles for the week: 33.8Total training miles to date: 161.55
One area I'm not struggling in right now is my faith. I feel God so present with me right now in my pain. It's hard to even explain. Parts of the Bible like Job and Lamentations that never really made sense to me before do now. God is still good, and He hasn't abandoned me. I just don't want to be here anymore. My soul is tired. I don't think it's coincidence that I've heard this song on the radio three times this week, even though it's not a current hit.
I try to keep a good balance between fun events scheduled and downtime to just be where I am. I know if I get too busy I'll start feeling stressed instead of enjoying my activities, but if I don't have enough on the calendar that will leave me feeling lonely. I have two races this week:
Run(317) Carmel on Thursday evening - a new location this year for my fave race series. I like running in Carmel, but I don't like driving there. So much construction, my car GPS is useless. The race and post race party are always a lot of fun, and I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. As of Friday, there were only about 50 spots left, so this will sell out too. If you aren't signed up yet, don't wait.
The GloRun on Saturday evening - an 80's themed glow-in-the-dark night run. I'm doing this one with Josh, so I know we'll have a great time.