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Sunday, December 6, 2015

Hard Candy Christmas

I've always liked this song.  Who doesn't love Dolly Parton?  I didn't realize until I looked it up yesterday that it actually wasn't originally a Christmas song; it was a song from the movie Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.  I've never seen the movie, so I don't know the original context, but I'm guessing it's a breakup song?  I realized when I heard it on the radio the other day though that like a lot of other things, it's taken on a new meaning for me now.

On my good days, when I can sort of see that a future exists for me beyond this foggy attempt at a normal routine, my thoughts are kind of like the verses of this song.  Maybe I'll move real far away, maybe I'll learn to knit, maybe I'll put all my stuff in storage and go on a mission trip, maybe I'll get a tiny house downtown, maybe I'll stay in this giant house and adopt more kids....

But on the bad days, I'm like the chorus.  I'm barely getting through tomorrow.  And this week has been almost all bad days.  I expected the holidays to be hard but I didn't realize it was going to feel just as awful as those first few days after the shock wore off.  I have cried more this past week than I have in a long time.  It doesn't feel like I can make it through December, but then I remember in April I couldn't imagine I would survive this long.  I just have to trust God will sustain me through December just as He has all along.

I haven't been able to get out any Christmas decorations yet.  Those boxes of ornaments hold too many memories I'm not ready to unpack and think about.  But after I finish this blog post, I am going to get out my nativity sets.  They may be all I put up this year, but they are the most important decorations.  Jesus is always worth celebrating.  He is the reason I know I can still experience peace and joy in the midst of my sorrow, and I can look forward to the day in Heaven when He will wipe away all my tears.  Kevin's already there and already experiencing perfect peace, understanding, and love.  Kevin's not lonely at all.

I've written here before that God gives us little gifts of joy in the middle of our grief and pain, if we allow Him to.  I'm trying to be intentional about looking for and appreciating those moments:
Ugly Sweater Run

  • Thanksgiving with my family in NC
  • Running epic races with Laura and Mark
  • Leftovers from Josh's Friendsgiving that meant I didn't have to cook this week
  • Three Christmas races in December, with three different costumes; the Ugly Sweater Run was yesterday, the other two are coming up
  • A non-running event with the Fast Bottom Girls next week at Painting With A Twist
  • Celebrating the end of finals with Kimmy by going out for ice cream and a movie
  • And speaking of movies, of course I'm looking forward Star Wars
As so often happens, writing this out has made me feel a little better.  Thank you to all of you who offer me support, comfort, and company; and thank you for reading these blog posts too.  

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