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Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Independence Day

FBG in Red White & Blue
I had been dreading the 4th of July weekend.  Last year it was really awful.  It was a little over two months after Kevin died, the shock was wearing off and I was starting to realize he's really never coming back.  Add to that all the memories of past 4th of July weekends camping, and the fact that it was actually the first holiday we spent together as a couple when we started dating.  I found myself really struggling and wallowing in sadness.

This year, as the weekend approached, I expected much of the same and I was feeling really down.  Side note to all my co-workers who wished me a happy long weekend: sorry for biting your heads off.  Sometimes I just don't have much patience with meaningless small talk.  I was expecting to feel lonely and pointless like I do a lot of weekends, and I just thought you all should magically know that and not be so cheery at me.

But surprisingly, I have to say this weekend wasn't horrible.  I was alone, but I didn't feel lonely.  Maybe I'm getting the hang of this alone thing.  The frat boys were all gone: Josh and Nate were camping, and Nick was golfing with family down in Evansville.  As soon as they left, I did what I always do and cleaned the house really good so I could enjoy it staying clean for a couple of days.  Then I did something I've never done before in my life: I went to the grocery store and only bought food I like.  Nothing for anyone else.  No Cocoa Pebbles or Little Debbies in my cart.  I bought some weird organic bread full of sprouts and seeds that no one else here would ever eat.  Tilapia.  Fire-roasted tomatoes.  Mango salsa.  It was kind of fun to shop for just myself and no one else.  I still cried in the grocery store, of course.  I haven't yet managed a shopping trip without it.  But it was just a moment and then I was okay again.

I was really that way most of the weekend.  I had moments where I missed Kevin so much I had to just sit down and cry for a few.  But most of the time I managed to be okay.  I stayed off social media, so everyone else's happy family posts wouldn't drag me down.  I called my momma and we had a nice talk.  I stayed busy, alternating between getting some chores done, cooking some good food, and reading.  I talked to God a lot, and He's finally given me some direction about the house, so I'm feeling a lot better about that.

2007, still brand new
I've been telling Him how much I just do not want to live here anymore.  It doesn't feel like home; doesn't feel safe and comforting like home should feel.  And worse that that, sometimes it feels like it's almost mocking me.  I've spent my whole adult life taking care of other people.  I loved being a wife and mom, and enjoyed making this a safe comfortable welcoming home for my family.  And now here I am in this big empty house with no purpose to my being here, and feeling the opposite of how I tried to make everyone else feel.

Financially I know it makes sense to stay here one more year, but especially if the frat boys all move out in the next two months like they plan, I didn't know if I emotionally could stand to be here.  God showed me though that with Him, I can.  And I think He gave me a great idea about making some of the repairs I need to make before I sell.  More on that late, but I guess I'll be a Brownsburger for one more year, and maybe by then I will have figured out if I'm staying in Indy or not.
My presence will go with you, and I'll give you rest.  Exodus 33:14
It wasn't all just me sitting home alone though.  I got my first ever massage on Saturday.  Also my last.  I had a gift card so I thought I'd try it.  Really underwhelming.  I didn't feel any differently afterwards.  No way would I actually pay for that.  Sunday after church I met the FBG for lunch so we could plan a couple of trips we have coming up: Flat Rock, Woodstock, and Vegas.  And we raced on Monday: the Firecracker 6 in downtown Indy.

Firecracker Post Race Party
I volunteered at this race last year, but this was my first time running it.  I really like this race.  The course is fun, starting at the City Market and looping through downtown.  The post-race party is also pretty great.  I don't know why more people didn't stick around.  Free beer from Metazoa Brewing Co., and not just one beer but all you wanted.  A great live band.  The weather was really perfect, too.  If I'm still in Indy next summer I will definitely run this race again.

Next up:

  • Run(317) Mass Ave on July 21.  My favorite race of my favorite race series!
  • Training for the Rock N Roll Vegas Marathon starts this week.  I'm following the Indy Runners fall marathon training plan.
  • Indiana Women's Trail Run July 9.  I'm not running this one this year, I'm volunteering at it.  Look for me at the IFF aid station at the Start/Finish Line.


  1. You totally got jipped on that massage. We'll have to get you in with someone better. You deserve a good massage!

    1. Thanks Trena! I guess based on everyone's comments I will have to give it another try somewhere else.