Shopping For One

I went to Dick's Sporting Goods on Monday.  It was my first time in there since Kevin passed away.  I didn't really want to go yet, but I really wanted yellow knee socks for my Halloween costume and I knew Dick's would have them.  So it seemed like it would be better to go there and get my socks quickly instead of driving around searching other stores trying to find some.

I did okay, actually.  I didn't cry.  I got in got my socks and got out in only five minutes.  I talked out loud to Kevin while I was walking through the store, but I do that a lot anyway.  I probably wouldn't have been okay if I had to spend more than five minutes shopping, though.  Dick's was one of Kevin's favorite stores and we spent a lot of time in there.  Golf stuff for him, running & yoga stuff for me, soccer stuff for the kids, new Colts jerseys for all....  Good memories.  We always had fun shopping together, even if we were just browsing and not buying.

I have yet to make it out of the grocery store without crying yet, though.  Wal-Mart is the hardest, since if we were grocery shopping together that was Kevin's preferred store.  But any of them get to me.  I've even tried shopping on the other side of town in a store I've never been to before. But there's always this feeling that I can't be done shopping yet because I didn't get any snacks for Kevin; or I didn't get him any Mountain Dew.  And after I find myself reaching for the Little Debbies for the third time, the tears will start.

I end up apologizing to Kevin, as if he still cares about having Chex Mix to snack on, or something chocolate for when he wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.  It makes no sense to me, but it's how I feel in that moment.  It's just kind of how we were, too.  If one of us was in the store, any store, without the other; we always got some little treat or surprise for the other.  Just a way to say "I was thinking about you while I was out."  So leaving the store without something just for Kevin feels wrong to me, and I apologize, and I cry.

I actually still have in our room one can of Mountain Dew and one Twix bar.  I let the boys have all the rest of his Mountain Dew and snacks months ago, but I kept these two things.  It was always important to me to make sure Kevin had the things he liked to have so he'd feel comfortable and happy at home.  So I don't want to get rid of them just yet, but I know they won't keep forever.  At the moment I think I might have them on our anniversary, but that could change when that day actually gets here.

So the things I used to keep for Kevin are now for me.  They make me feel more comfortable, make it look like he was just here, or he'll be right back.  And right now I need that, so I think that's okay.  Right now is my time to weep and to mourn.

"There is a time for everything; and a season for every activity under the heavens... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  Ecclesiastes 3:1-4