Don't Suffer But Take The Pain

Deep Thoughts

Run(317); Pic from Indy Women's Training Group

Blog post inspiration usually seems to come when I'm running.  If I had a way to transcribe my thoughts as I run, I'd be posting a lot more often probably.  These thoughts have been mulling in my head since the Mass Ave Run(317) race a couple of weeks ago.  I was listening to a playlist on RockMyRun (great app - highly recommend it) and a song came on with the line "I hope that you don't suffer, but take the pain."  I can't tell you the name of the song or artist, because I don't even remember which playlist I was listening to so I could look it up.  But it got me thinking about what that would look like for me, because it sounded like good advice.

Take The Pain

In GriefShare they call this "leaning into it", like when you are wading in the ocean and the waves come in, you lean into them so they don't knock you down as you let them wash over you.  You can't avoid them and run back to shore every time a wave comes, or you'll never get anywhere.  Similarly I can't avoid the pain of missing Kevin.  If I try to avoid it by distracting myself from it or numbing myself from it, I'll never make any progress.  I know I will always miss Kevin, but some day I will get to the point where the pain isn't so intense.  I won't get there unless I take it now as it comes, though.  

Grief is the price you pay for loving someone. - Zig Ziglar

When I look at it that way, I wouldn't want to avoid the pain.  Denying the pain would be like denying our love.  It was worth it.

So what does this look like for me?

Hole in One! 8/24/13, pic by Joe Worrell

• When I'm sad, I'm going to say I'm sad.  Don't ask me how I'm doing if you don't want an honest answer, because I'm not going to say "Fine, thanks, how are you?"  I'm not fine.  I'm hurting and I will be for a long time.  And that's okay, that's normal, that's where I should be.
• I'm going to keep sharing pics of Kevin for Throwback Thursday, and other posts when they come up on Timehop.  It makes me both sad and happy at the same time to look at them, but I want to share them, especially since a lot of my friends never actually got to know Kevin.
• Some days I'm going to keep to myself completely.  I don't have the emotional energy to get on social media or chat with you in real life or leave the house.  If all I can do is get up and let the dog outside, that will be all I do.
• Some days I'm going to really want company, maybe to talk about Kevin, maybe to talk about anything but.  You don't ever have to worry about upsetting me by asking me, though.  I'd rather you ask than avoid the subject.  I have no problem saying "yes I feel like talking about it today" or "no let's talk about the new Star Wars movie instead". 

Don't Suffer 

How do you not suffer if you are in pain?  I think it means you don't wallow in it.  Feel the sadness,

Pic courtesy of Athletic Annex

but at the same time still exist in the present and experience the things that are going on now.  God still allows us moments of joy while we are grieving.  I am still here for a reason, so I am going to continue to live: worshiping God, connecting with people, and making new memories.  I don't have to wait until I'm okay, until the pain has subsided, until life without Kevin becomes my new normal instead of constantly feeling broken and wrong.  Sometimes I look at a picture of me smiling at a race and think "I shouldn't post this, people will think I'm not sad anymore, that I don't really miss Kevin."  But I do really miss him, even at the same time I'm enjoying a race or event with friends.  I can feel both at the same time, and that smile on my face doesn't mean I'm okay, but it does mean I'm still alive and I'm enjoying this moment.

What Else Have I Been Up To?

Speaking of those race pictures, since my last blog post on August 25, I've done:

• Mass Ave Run(317); 3.17 miles in 40:30 at 90+ degrees and blanket-level humidity.  It was still a lot of fun even with the heat.  I love those weeknight races, and this one was just a mile from my office so I didn't have to mess with driving and parking.
• Color Me Rad; untimed but so much fun!  I had 12 miles on my training schedule this day, so I parked at the Chase Near Eastside Legacy Center, ran up the Monon to the Fairgrounds and walked the Color Me Rad with my friends, then ran back to the Legacy Center.  I ended up with 15 miles total, and a color-splattered tank top that looks pretty cute.
• Indy Skirt Ride; a really fun event in its 2nd year that encourages women to dress up and ride bikes.  It was neat just seeing all the different ways people were dressed up, and it was a fun group ride around Broad Ripple.  Bonus: they were collecting clothing donations for The Julian Center, and I won for most donations.  I was expecting a gift certificate for a restaurant or something small, but I won a custom women's Castelli kit from SRAM/Zipp.  Wow!

 What's Next?

The Indy Women's Half Marathon is THIS SATURDAY!  This is the race I've been training for since June.  It will be my eighth half marathon overall, and my third this year.  Current forecast says:

Low 67; Variable clouds with thunderstorms, especially in the morning; High 77; Chance of rain 50%; Humidity 64%

Not ideal, but it could be worse.  Last year this race was in June, and was very hot.

See our What's Next? tab for other upcoming races and events.